He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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