Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
