i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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