Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
