For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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