in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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