dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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