I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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