I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
