It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
