I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
