it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
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I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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