i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
