Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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