just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
