did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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