Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
