I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
