I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
