watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
