if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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