My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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