It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
