Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
