Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
