Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
