The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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