Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We need to get me chipped asap
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
there is puke in my bra ... again
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
