if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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