Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she told me i tasted like america
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
