You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sorry my hands just texted you
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....