I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
