PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
