if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
