i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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