i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
