If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
