The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
