I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
