I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
