I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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