Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just took my morning after pill in the library
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
