I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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