i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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