Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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