Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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