You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
