Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
