I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
