Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
zippers are such a cool invention
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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