I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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