I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
