I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
