your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
