I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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