to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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