apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Dicks are not precious.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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