I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
