i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
