Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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