no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
