So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
