I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
