I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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